For the first time since 1814, the White House is about to play host to fights.
On Sunday, UFC White House goes down, an MMA fight card on the South Lawn of the most prestigious building in the United States. It’s a surreal moment in not just MMA history, but American history. So, let’s get weird.
If there are going to be fights on the White House lawn, let’s have some fights that fit the occasion. I’m not talking about Jon Jones vs. Francis Ngannou or Ilia Topuria vs. Islam Makhachev. I’m talking about presidents. It’s time to have an MMA Presidential Grand Prix!
The rules are simple: there are 45 presidents in American history (47 presidencies, but two men had nonconsecutive terms—Grover Cleveland and Donald Trump), so we’re going to divide them up into regions, put them into a bracket, and see who leaves with the crown of Commander-in-Chief.
With 45 presidents, it wasn’t as smooth as March Madness, but I broke them up into four regions based on their years in office, with each region having a couple of play-in fights. And for the sake of this endeavor, I’ve opted for each combatant in this Presidential kumite to enter at the age and fitness they are upon assuming the role of POTUS.
Now, we lack a Congress to make this official; nevertheless, let’s go to war!
John Adams vs. John Quincy Adams
If you know anything about the presidents, you’ll know that there are a few who share a name, and frankly, I’m not going to have that. How could any president hope to be the greatest of them all if he can’t even definitively be the best president with his name? So, I solved this issue by having the Father-Son Presidents face off in play-in games. This is the first of those.
And I’ve gotta be honest, this is not exactly a prime example of fighting prowess. Neither of the Adams boys had any military service, and both are among the smallest Presidents at 5-foot-7, and 5-foot-7.5, respectively. That being said, both were important figures in the early development of America, and neither owned slaves (the only presidents of this region not to do so), so lots of respect for them.
Adams the Elder has a few key advantages in this fight. First, he has Dad Strength, and as everyone knows, the prospect of beating up your father, at any age, is daunting. But in this scenario, JQA doesn’t even get the benefit of substantial youth. John Adams started his presidency at 61; JQA began his at 57. Add in the fact that John Adams grew up on a farm and has that Matt Hughes country-strong to him, while JQA spent a lot of time accompanying his father on diplomatic missions, growing soft and comfortable.
John Adams def. John Quincy Adams via unanimous decision (fatherly whooping).
James K. Polk vs. James Madison
This is not much of a contest. Polk was 5-foot-8 and 49 years old when he started his presidency. Madison, in contrast, is our shortest president at just 5-foot-4 (sidebar: can you imagine a 5-foot-4 person being elected today? Marco Rubio wishes), and was 57 when he took office. Polk was also born in a log cabin, unlike Madison’s plantation life, so he’s got enough grit to get by.
That being said, all due respect to “The Father of the Constitution,” and one of the only sitting presidents to actively participate in a war (though he did get the White House burned down). Solid presidency, but you’re just too small.
James K. Polk def. James Madison via TKO (Too Small hand gesture).
John Tyler vs. Martin Van Buren
John Tyler could be a dark horse candidate in this region. The 10th President was 6-feet tall, and only 51 when he entered the Oval Office, which makes him an imposing physical force for the early 1800s. Especially considering that Martin Van Buren was only 54, but he’s 5-foot-6 and has no military experience. Advantage Tyler.
But this is why we have the fights! Though he’s a tall man, Tyler was not of the strongest constitution, either physically or morally. He was a sickly child, and owned a ton of slaves and never freed them, despite acknowledging slavery as evil. You’re gonna trust a man like that to defeat “Red Fox,” a scrappy little bugger known for being wily, who had to learn English as a second language (the only president to do so)? No chance. M-V-B! M-V-B!
Martin Van Buren def. John Tyler via TKO (muttonchops)
Greater Reconstruction Era
Franklin Pierce vs. Andrew Johnson
Competitive little play-in fight here as both were 5-foot-10 and served as Brigadier generals, and both have been widely regarded as trash presidents. Pierce, for hastening the Civil War via his policies, and Johnson for his many failings that hampered Reconstruction. So, good matchup.
Johnson gains a slight edge for growing up extremely poor and showing real conviction as a pro-Union Southerner during the Civil War, but his military service was mostly administrative and weak. Pierce, meanwhile, had a fair amount of active military service during the Mexican-American War, but was repeatedly injured, and then became an alcoholic later in life (there are a few of those in this tournament).
Pierce is six years younger than Johnson, and that counts for a lot, but the man’s many wartime injuries are too prohibitive to overcome.
Andrew Johnson def. Franklin Pierce via TKO (horse falls on him, again).
Millard Fillmore vs. James Buchanan
You know how every APEX card has two guys fighting on it that really should still be grinding it out on the regional circuit? That’s this matchup. Fillmore and Buchanan were both bad presidents and uninspiring athletes.
Fillmore was 5-foot-9 and 50 years old when he assumed office, and I say assumed because he took over after the death of Zachary Taylor. Buchanan was tall for the time at 6 feet, but also old, winning office at 65 years old, and beating Fillmore in the election to boot. That being said, Buchanan was reportedly never in great physical shape, and that with the youth edge, means the last Whig president gets his revenge.
Millard Fillmore def. James Buchanan via TKO (Whigging out)
Grover Cleveland vs. Chester A. Arthur
Easily the most Muppet-named matchup of this entire tournament. Cleveland is a big man at 5-foot-11 and around 260 pounds (and only 47 years old), but he was also a draft dodger during the Civil War, paying someone to take his place. Can you trust a man like that to knuckle up when the fists are flying?
Probably not, at least not against Big Chet. Chester A. Arthur is one of our tallest Presidents at 6-foot-2, and a robust 225 pounds (51 years old), and while his service as Brigadier General and Quartermaster General during the Civil War isn’t exactly frontline action, it’s a damn sight better than paying someone else to take your place.
Chester A. Arthur def. Grover Cleveland via decision (deciding not to duck out of the Civil War)
John F. Kennedy vs. Warren G. Harding
The second-youngest president at 43 years old, Kennedy is sort of the Arman Tsarukyan of this tournament: sure, he comes from a rich family, but he can fight. The man had chronic health problems throughout his life, but he was still on active duty in the Navy, and once, after his ship was destroyed, he swam over three miles while towing a crew member with his teeth, despite rupturing a disk in his back. Man was tough.
Harding, meanwhile, was a 6-foot-tall, 55-year-old man with a litany of medical issues, who, by the time he took office, suffered from shortness of breath and chest pains.
John F. Kennedy def. Warren G. Harding via TKO (exhaustion)
Benjamin Harrison vs. Woodrow Wilson
Benjamin Harrison was not a big man at 5-foot-6 (55 years old), but he grew up a rugged country boy who eventually became a Brigadier General in the Civil War, commanding troops at several battles.
Wilson, meanwhile, is perhaps best remembered as an orator and scholar who also had a stroke during his second term that left him incapacitated, and left the presidency in the functional hands of his wife.
Benjamin Harrison def. Woodrow Wilson via TKO (towel thrown in)
William McKinley vs. Franklin D. Roosevelt
FDR is one of the greatest Presidents ever and the only President to serve more than two terms. He also had polio and could barely walk. No commission would sanction this.
Franklin D. Roosevelt is not cleared to compete. William McKinley advances in a walkover.
Harry S. Truman vs. Calvin Coolidge
At 60 years old and just 5-foot-9, Truman isn’t the most imposing figure in the lists, but he was a seasoned military man, having served during World War I to some acclaim.
Coolidge, meanwhile, was not in great health and suffered from chronic respiratory problems, including asthma, and possibly tuberculosis. On top of that, he was notoriously shy (interesting for a president) and extremely cautious.
Harry S. Truman def. Calvin Coolidge via TKO (timidity)
Richard Nixon vs. Bill Clinton
Did I intentionally match up the two most notorious (well, maybe not anymore) presidents of the modern era? Absolutely. If you thought I’d do this tournament without Slick Willie taking on Tricky Dick, you are insane.
Despite being the third-youngest President, I don’t like Bill Clinton’s chances. Slick Willie may be 6-foot-2 and 200 pounds, but he was always more of a lover than a fighter, you know? Nixon, for his many faults, served during World War II, when he could have claimed an exemption by virtue of being born a Quaker.
Unfortunately for Nixon, he’s also a known cheater, and after referee Herb Dean finds something fishy in Nixon’s water bottle between rounds, he is forced to disqualify him.
Bill Clinton def. Richard Nixon via DQ (water bottle-gate)
George H. W. Bush vs. George W. Bush
The Battle of the Bushes once again raises the issue of Dad Strength, but this time, coupled with the fact that The Elder Bush was a World War II combat pilot with 58 missions under his belt, who then headed up the CIA, while his son was part of the Texas Air National Guard and never saw combat.
“W” gets an advantage by virtue of youth, being just 54 compared to Papa Bush’s 64, but Dad Strength, combat experience, and the wealth of CIA spy techniques are enough to overcome the gap for Bush I.
George H. W. Bush def. George W. Bush via TKO (Jason Bourne-ing)
Donald Trump vs. Joe Biden
A rematch of the 2020 Presidential election and easily the saddest fight of this entire tournament. Trump and Biden are the two oldest Presidents in history, with both men assuming office in their 70s (fun fact: Bill Clinton and George W. are younger than both of them! Five of the last six Presidents were born in the 40s!) I tried to think of an appropriate MMA comp, but the sport isn’t even old enough to even have legends who are in their 70s now.
Neither man served in the military (with DJT exempting out of the Vietnam draft with bone spurs, Biden for asthma), and both men seem as likely to fall asleep during a fight of their own volition as they are to getting put to sleep by the other. Still, Biden was at least sort of a college athlete, and the one time they came head-to-head, Biden won, so he advances. I’m certain that no one will be upset by this.
Joe Biden def. Donald Trump via decision (306-232)
Now that our play-in fights are done, we can move through the full-on bracket. Here’s where things stand.
George Washington vs. John Adams
Adams was good enough to beat up his own son, but Big George is a different story entirely.
Washington was 6-foot-2—which in the 1700s was basically 8-feet tall—and a rugged country boy who single-handedly defeated the entire British Empire and cut down a cherry tree with his bare hands (or something). Forget “Father of the Constitution,” how about the Father of America?
George Washington def. John Adams via TKO (freedom)
Thomas Jefferson vs. William Henry Harrison
William Henry Harrison was an experienced warrior known as “The Washington of the West” because of the battles he won. That would normally make him a potent combatant, but there’s one problem: he was also far too stubborn for his own good, giving a two-hour inauguration speech (longest at the time) on a cold, rainy day, without a hat or overcoat, and spending his first few weeks in office continuing in such a manner until he got pneumonia and died (though a 2014 study suggests he also may have died from septic shock caused by typhoid as a result of the White House water supply being downstream from the public sewage).
Either way, “Tippecanoe” only lasted 31 days in office, the shortest of any Presidency. He can’t go five hard rounds here.
Thomas Jefferson def. William Henry Harrison via TKO (doctor’s stoppage)
James Monroe vs. James K. Polk
I don’t know if this is true for everyone, but Monroe feels like the early president I would always think of last. Adams, Jefferson, and Washington are all such staples, and guys like Martin Van Buren at least had fun names, but Monroe never stood out.
Well, not anymore. Aside from being a solid President, he was pretty gnarly. Man fought in a ton of battles during the Revolutionary War, and nearly died after having an artery severed at the Battle of Trenton. Polk, meanwhile, was relatively small at 5-foot-8 and not of the best health, as evidenced by having the shortest post-presidency lifespan of anyone who didn’t die in office, passing just 103 days after leaving it, at the age of 53.
Monroe outlasts Polk in the final Battle of the James.
James Monroe def. James K. Polk via decision
Andrew Jackson vs. Martin Van Buren
Look, Andrew Jackson is not exactly the greatest person in the world, but neither is *insert fighter name*; it doesn’t change the fact that he was a problem. Man was a frontier wrestler who took personal joy in dueling, and once beat the shit out of a would-be assassin with his cane.
Van Buren is scrappy, but this is a total mismatch.
Andrew Jackson def. Martin Van Buren via TKO (caning)
Greater Reconstruction Era
Abraham Lincoln vs. Andrew Johnson
Similar to the last battle, this isn’t exactly close. Abraham Lincoln was a renowned wrestler who is enshrined in the United States Wrestling Hall of Fame. Johnson is a stalwart man of conviction, but not an athlete. That being said, we know Lincoln respects his old vice president, and he won’t make this too difficult on ol’ Andy.
Abraham Lincoln def. Andrew Johnson via submission (hammer lock)
Ulysses S. Grant vs. Zachary Taylor
In many ways, this is a mirror match. Both Grant and Taylor are fabulously accomplished generals, with Grant even serving under Taylor in the Mexican-American War. But that’s precisely what makes this matchup so simple to call.
“Old Rough and Ready” was 64 when he became president, and Grant is cut from the same cloth but substantially younger at 46. This is basically an Israel Adesanya vs. Anderson Silva sort of situation.
Ulysses S. Grant def. Zachary Taylor via decision
Rutherford B. Hayes vs. Millard Fillmore
Hayes was a certified badass who led troops successfully in the Civil War, got shot multiple times, and was renowned for his incredible bravery. Millard Fillmore was just a guy, and one whose name became synonymous with mediocrity.
Rutherford B. Hayes def. Millard Fillmore via TKO (not named Millard)
Chester A. Arthur vs. James A. Garfield
Another Muppet Name battle, and the Battle of the As, this also again pits a President with his Vice President, as Big Chet took over after Garfield was assassinated.
But while Arthur is slightly bigger than Garfield, “Gar” is the more accomplished combatant, winning several battles during the Civil War and being known for getting into scraps in his youth. In contrast, Arthur was also known as “Elegant Arthur” and “Gentleman Boss” for his preference for finery.
Give me “Gar” over “Elegant Arthur” any day of the week.
James A. Garfield def. Chester A. Arthur via TKO (grit)
Teddy Roosevelt vs. John F. Kennedy
This is the first time we get to talk about Teddy Roosevelt, but it sure won’t be the last. Aside from his robust military service, Teddy was a champion boxer, trained in judo, and regularly got into fistfights with cowboys.
It’s the boxing that’s a real problem for JFK. The man wasn’t a punk by any stretch, but he was physically compromised even before this tournament began, and lacks the head movement to stand up to an accomplished pugilist like Roosevelt.
Teddy Roosevelt def. John F. Kennedy via KO (right hook)
Benjamin Harrison vs. Herbert Hoover
Harrison is scrappy, but he’s only 5-foot-6, and that’s a huge problem considering Hoover is sort of a wild man. He was orphaned at the age of 9 and spent part of his youth growing up with local Native American kids. He later invented a game called “Hooverball,” which is just throwing a medicine ball over a volleyball net. Harrison probably couldn’t even jump to the bottom of that net; meanwhile, Hoover has developed the core strength of a pilates instructor.
Herbert Hoover def. Benjamin Harrison via KO (overhand right)
William Howard Taft. vs. William McKinley
The Williams battle it out this round, but this is more of a squash match. McKinley served honorably in the Civil War, but he’s 5-foot-7 and 200 pounds. Taft is our heaviest president at 340 pounds, and was an intramural wrestling champion at Yale.
William Howard Taft def. William McKinley via submission (smother)
Harry S. Truman vs. Dwight D. Eisenhower
As mentioned during his play-in fight, Truman had some scrap to him, but Eisenhower, AKA Ike, was an accomplished boxer and one of the best military commanders in U.S. history. Truman doesn’t have the hands to compete.
Dwight D. Eisenhower def. Harry S. Truman via KO (punch)
Gerald Ford vs. Bill Clinton
Gerald Ford played football at Michigan and won two national championships. Bill Clinton played the saxophone and won no national championships.
Gerald Ford def. Bill Clinton via TKO (high school movie jock-beating-up-band kid-cliché)
Barack Obama vs. Jimmy Carter
A battle between two of only four Presidents to win the Nobel Peace Prize (Teddy Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson are the other two), Obama and Carter use their peace-keeping skills to come to a resolution to this, without resorting to violence: both men loved basketball, so they play a game to 21 to decide who moves on. At 6-foot-1, Obama’s length proves too much for the peanut farmer, and he advances.
Barack Obama def. Jimmy Carter via decision (21-16)
Lyndon B. Johnson vs. George H. W. Bush
At 6-foot-3 and 200 pounds, “LBJ” is one of the biggest Presidents, and also served in World War II, earning a Silver Star (though some debate the merits of the award) after his aircraft was attacked during a combat mission.
But again, Papa Bush is basically Jason Bourne. I don’t care how big Johnson is; Bush can grab him and choke him out.
George H. W. Bush def. Lyndon B. Johnson via submission (rear-naked choke)
Joe Biden vs. Ronald Reagan
Again with the sad old man fights. Reagan took office at 69 years old, making this extremely similar to Biden vs. Trump.
But wait! What’s that?!
Oh, no! Biden has withdrawn! The exertion from the first round left Biden unable to continue. Chaos! But whose music is that? Donald Trump?! That’s right, Trump has returned to take Biden’s place, making this a battle between two actors-turned-president, who are arguably the most significant figures in conservative politics in the past century.
Unfortunately for Trump, this is Term 2, meaning he’s now 78 years old, vs. Reagan’s 69. And while “The Gipper” is no spring chicken, he’s in pretty good shape, and, at least, won’t fall asleep during the fight.
Ronald Reagan def. Joe Biden Donald Trump via split decision
George Washington vs. Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson is one of the most important figures in American history and widely regarded as one of the smartest presidents, but the man was not much of a soldier. And it’s because he’s so smart that TJ realizes the folly in fighting Big George. The Sage of Monticello retires to pen his thoughts instead of getting his head caved in.
George Washington def. Thomas Jefferson via forfeit
James Monroe vs. Andrew Jackson
Credit to Monroe for being a tough bastard and establishing himself as the best of the Jameses, but remember, Andrew Jackson is a psycho (the man once got stabbed for refusing to polish a British officer’s boots when they took over his home). You don’t have to like Jackson, but you’ve got to respect his fighting ability.
Andrew Jackson def. James Monroe via TKO (scorched-Earth, see Creek War)
Greater Reconstruction Era
Abraham Lincoln vs. Ulysses S. Grant
Grant was able to beat his mentor, but beating the man he worked for is another ask entirely. Aside from the huge size disadvantage for Grant, this is where his alcoholism comes back to bite him. This is a one-day tournament and Grant’s cardio falls off a cliff, and all he wants to do is be done and crack open a cold one. Fortunately, Lincoln, again, has a lot of respect for his general and shows mercy.
Abraham Lincoln def. Ulysses S. Grant via submission (can opener)
Rutherford B. Hayes vs. James A. Garfield
Low-key, this is the best fight of the Round of 16. Again, Hayes was a certified badass fighting in over 50 battles during the Civil War, and getting injured several times, including returning to a fight after getting shot in the head. Garfield, meanwhile, was also an accomplished military leader and used to juggle 50-pound clubs.
And that’s really the difference in this fight. Garfield is five years younger than Hayes, four inches taller, and significantly more physically imposing. But Hayes once continued to command troops while bleeding out, so he’s not backing down from the bigger man; he just can’t get enough offense off to win.
James A. Garfield def. Rutherford B. Hayes via decision
Teddy Roosevelt vs. Herbert Hoover
Honestly, Hooverball seems like something Teddy might be into, but more as a warmup before he went off to wrestle a bear or something. All that core strength won’t save you from this harai goshi, Herbie.
Teddy Roosevelt def. Herbert Hoover via submission (kesa-gatame/scarf hold)
William Howard Taft vs. Dwight D. Eisenhower
This is one of those times where styles make fights. Ike is the better fighter and athlete (he once fought a boxer of some note and apparently beat the crap out of him), but he’s a smaller man, and not a grappler by nature. Taft was a champion wrestler and outweighs Eisenhower by nearly 200 pounds.
William Howard Taft def. Dwight D. Eisenhower via TKO (sumo)
Gerald Ford vs. Barack Obama
Gerald Ford was on the 1935 collegiate all-star football team and was voted team MVP for Michigan football before going to Yale Law.
Barack Obama was a pretty solid pickup basketball player before going to the University of Chicago Law School.
Gerald Ford def. Barack Obama via TKO (Oklahoma drill)
George H. W. Bush vs. Ronald Reagan
Yet another president vs. his vice president matchup, but unlike the others, the VP here has several big advantages.
Bush was younger, taller, and a proven combatant, while Reagan was a charismatic Hollywood actor whose wartime service was stateside due to nearsightedness. This is straightforward.
George H. W. Bush def. Ronald Reagan via TKO (beatdown economics)
With just eight men left, the competition is getting really serious. Let’s see where we stand ahead of the regional championships.
Founding Era – George Washington vs. Andrew Jackson
This is an old-fashioned dog fight. Jackson was known for being mean as shit and quick to anger. Washington, meanwhile, is among the most revered military leaders in U.S. history and was dubbed “Conotocaurius” by the Iroquois, which means “devourer of villages.” That’s a goddamn Marvel villain name (though it’s possibly more apt for Jackson, given the whole Trail of Tears thing).
And I’ll be honest, in a straight fight, Jackson might win by nature of being too ruthless and too tireless. But this isn’t a straight fight, it’s a fight with rules, and that’s not exactly Jackson’s strong suit. The man was prone to flouting the rules when they didn’t comport with what he wanted (famously telling the Supreme Court, “Well, John Marshall has made his decision, but now let him enforce it”), but that doesn’t work with Dan Miragliotta running the show. After Jackson’s fifth low blow, he’s deducted enough points for Big George to comfortably win on the scorecards.
George Washington def. Andrew Jackson via decision (1776-42)
Greater Reconstruction Era — Abraham Lincoln vs. James A. Garfield
Garfield was a rugged man and a specimen for the time, but would you just look at this man?
Look at the merciless, sunken eyes of that beanpole. It’d be like fighting Jack Skellington if the Pumpkin King could wrestle and had farm strength.
Abraham Lincoln def. James A. Garfield via submission (full nelson)
Progressive Era — Teddy Roosevelt vs. William Howard Taft
I fear the impressive run of American Sumo, William Howard Taft, has come to an end. Yes, the man is enormous and can wrestle, but Roosevelt is only giving up 100 pounds, and what he lacks in weight, the man makes up for in technique. Sure, Taft can wrestle, but does he have any idea what to do when Theo sends him flying with an uchi mata?
Plus, this is a one-day tournament; Taft’s gas tank is entirely spent at this point. The fight ends up looking like Emmanuel Yarbrough vs. Keith Hackney (I’ve always said Teddy Roosevelt was the Keith Hackney of Presidents).
Teddy Roosevelt def. William Howard Taft via TKO (punches)
Modern Era — Gerald Ford vs. George H. W. Bush
Gerald Ford was recruited to play for the Green Bay Packers and Detroit Lions, and coached football and boxing for Michigan, before joining the military, where he coached nine sports, including boxing.
George H. W. Bush played baseball and soccer in high school.
Gerald Ford def. George H. W. Bush via TKO (athleticism)
Well, here we have it. The last four standing. The Mount Rushmore of Fighting Presidents.
George Washington is a legend in his own time, the closest thing America has to a godhead figure.
Abraham Lincoln is perhaps the next most-revered, saving the soul of America.
Teddy Roosevelt is the personification of what America wants to be: cool as hell.
And Gerald Ford is the closest president we’ve ever had to Jim Thorpe (unless you count the time Eisenhower played football against Thorpe).
George Washington vs. Teddy Roosevelt
A battle for the ages. On Mount Rushmore, Thomas Jefferson stands between them, but in the octagon, there’s only Marc Goddard.
But here’s the thing: while Washington is a revered warrior, some of that is a bit overstated. Washington and the Continental Army would not have defeated the Brits were it not for considerable assistance from the French, and even with that, Big George took his lumps.
Roosevelt, meanwhile, succeeded in almost everything he did, including taking the Rough Riders to victory during the Spanish-American War, and was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor (more political than earned, if we’re being honest).
On top of that, this is a battle of generations. Aside from being 15 years younger, Roosevelt is also just a more modern fighter, with a more varied game. Washington has no concept of judo or and only the vaguest sense of real boxing. Washington’s lack of teeth probably makes him tough to KO, and at one point there’s an illegal knee from Roosevelt. A lesser man might have taken the DQ win to advance, but Washington cannot tell a lie, and continues on, leading Teddy to wail on him pretty good. Then they go have a beer. But only one. Washington didn’t believe in excess.
Teddy Roosevelt def. George Washington via decision, and a bald eagle loses its wings
Abraham Lincoln vs. Gerald Ford
Now this is a scrap! Two of the most dominant physical specimens to ever sit in the Oval Office, battling it out for a spot in the finals.
Gerald Ford was a world-class football player and high-level athlete who also modeled and went to law school. He’s basically Carlos Ulberg.
Honest Abe is a Hall of Fame wrestler who was only ever defeated once, and who whomped a county champion so bad that when the guy started cheating, he dumped him on his head and KO’d him. Then he took up the law and saved the nation of America from collapse. He’s basically Khabib if Khabib prevented the U.S.S.R. from fracturing.
There’s a major problem for Ford in this fight: he’s an athlete, not a fighter. Ford could no doubt handle up when he needed to, but the man lacks the experience for an NHB fight, experience Lincoln has in spades.
Ford goes to football tackle Lincoln, who uses those long arms to sink in a choke.
Abraham Lincoln def. Gerald Ford via submission (d’Arce choke)
Finals — Who is the real Commander-in-Chief?
Honest Abe vs. The Hero of San Juan Hill. Two men who are literally facing off on Mount Rushmore.
Teddy certainly has the more well-rounded game as an accomplished boxer and judoka, and he’s also 10 years younger, but Lincoln is a monster of a man at 6-foot-4, towering over the 5-foot-10 Roosevelt. Teddy’s punches simply can’t get past Lincoln’s log-like arms, and his grappling is of limited use against a man with as much catch-as-catch-can experience as the Grand Wrestler.
Roosevelt is no quitter (the man once gave a 90-minute speech after getting shot in the chest), and so he battles valiantly on, but he’s simply not capable of getting the upper hand on Lincoln. Thankfully, he refuses to pull a Lee Harvey Oswald and go for illegal back-of-the-head shots, because Teddy is a man of honor.
Roosevelt rallies in the later rounds as his advantage in youth comes into play, but it’s too little, too late. Lincoln prevails.
Abraham Lincoln def. Teddy Roosevelt via decision (Four Score and Seven – 46)
Congratulations to Abraham Lincoln! The greatest fighting president of them all!
For the sake of posterity, George Washington defeated Gerald Ford in the bronze medal match, but in the words of Teddy Roosevelt, no one is a loser here, for:
“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
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